April 26, 2010

Well, here we are again!

So far, in the last week, I have GAINED 11 pounds. FML.

Weight Watchers my ass. What am I doing? Watching my weight go up? And then I get on the Wii Fit and I had set a weight loss goal, right? I gained 3 pounds and it was like "Whoa! What did you DO?!" It had several options to choose from, such as "I ate too much" or "Late night snacking." I chose the "I don't know" option.

FB was judging me with their lap band and cosmetics ads.

Next thing you know I'll be featured on POWM wearing a MuuMuu and a pair of hot pink Keds with my butt overlapping the sides of my all-terrain scooter. To your Rascalls!

I finally bought my first pair of shorts in I don't know how long. I can't wear them because I get the dreaded "triangle effect." You know, when you're walking and your shorts ride up your butt from your thighs rubbing together.

"Let me by, I'll let you by" they say, slapping together in the breeze.

I felt like I looked somewhat decent in them at first. Then I noticed you could see the loose skin hanging down to my already nasty looking thighs. Wtf am I supposed to do with that? I tried tucking and folding it in but there's really nowhere for it to go, unless maybe I use some duct tape (fixes everything!). I was excited because they go down to my knees, past the Bermuda Triangle, and I mean, come on! They're shorts! I don't have to wear jeans in the hot Texas sun anymore!

Yeah, forget that, because I look nasty as hell. I don't know what I'm going to do. I got a hair cut thinking I would feel better about myself if I did. Wrong! I still feel like poo.

And now, the part of the blog where my son says randomly funny things!

Him: Mom! Look, it's a big truck! What's it carrying?

Me: That's a beer truck. It carries nasty, nasty beer.

Him: Beard? Santa has a beard.

"My TV is magic because it never ever turns off. "

"It's an emergency! Call 911! We're missing America's Funniest Home Videos!"


And between my two sons:

Son #2: Get outta this car! Get your butt in that house right now!

Son #1: NO.

Son #2: Get out of that car! RIGHT NOW!

Son #1: Well. I will just call 911 and the police will come and get you. But they only come on Mondays.